Awaiting

December 31 , 2017

I am now waiting for my flight back to Manila. Last night, I was at the peak of my emotions. I cried as my sister gave me money. I could not say anything.I just cried. My tears summed everything up. All my frustrations, self- pity, hopelessness, anxieties…everything.

I said my goodbye earlier.Mama was in her room. I knew she was sad and praying. My nephew went with me to the waiting area.

Now, I am here. I do not know what 2018 brings me but I really pray for healing for my mom, for my sister and for the entire family. I wish I will have that stable job again.I want to be happy- no- joyful.I want to truly smile. I claim.financial prosperity-that I hit the lotto jackpot already.

I pray for the one. I PRAY for love.

Have a great 2018 everyone.

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Just thoughts

It’s three days more to go before the year is going to change.I was flipping through my journal and I noticed that my life has been so filled with lows more than the highs. Apparently I am not young anymore and the truth about PMS is getting clearer.

What is constant is my commitnent to the ashtanga practice. Despite the discomforts that the year has brought me,  it is my time on the mat that allows me time to focus- to breathe.

Three days more to go and I am hoping, praying and wishing all of us healing, love and prosperity.

Namaste.

On being bent and broken

I guess I am not just bent. I am really broken.

It all started when I got digestive problems almost a month ago. My anxiety, fears, depression are rolled into one. My anger is way above the clouds. I made my sick mother cry.  I almost destroyed my family on the eve of Christmas.

I went out and stayed at a hotel with my nephew but I ended up crying.  I went home the next day.

I am sad. I am lonely. I fear going back to Manila. I have nothing financially. I am a scarred woman. My brokenness is overwhelming. It is Christmas.

I still practice. I am waiting for my period. Perhaps, these are all about hormones. I am perimenopausal. No, I am a woman who is bent and broken.

My hopelessness is dope. I am seeking help. There is just no one except that bigger force.

Depression is indeed real.

I am praying for healing.

Namaste.

when it rains, it really pours

The year is almost done and I have to say my life has been a tough one to beat, so far.

I have not gotten any full time job yet and what’s worse is my mom has been in and out of the hospital with me not being able to support financially. I was not even able to go home. It was tough for me thinking and crying at times. The feeling of  sheer hopelessness is just too much to bear at times, specially when you have to deal with it alone.

My yoga practice is the only one that grounds me and allows me to refocus and just breathe. It is really tough.

Then suddenly I develop my anxiety and/or panic attacks. It is very scary.

My episodes started two weeks ago when I suffered from severe acid reflux. My acidity was triggered due to the food I took in. I guess too much love for some spicy korean food variety or eating too much made it so.

The first episode was too much to handle. My abdomen was bloated.  It was difficult to breathe and I was very scared. I felt so suffocated at home. It was the first time that I dread living alone. I wanted to scream,to cry and to go out of the house and really  I felt like I was going crazy from dread. I wanted to call people to stay with me. I was very scared.

It then continued every night, I fear the dark and the aloneness. I was dreading life. I had to sleepover at my friend’s house despite the distance. I even went to the the emergency room. The doctor could not find anything wrong with me.

I took some antacids to appease the bloating. I continued not getting any sleep. I was very tired and my practice was affected.

I got a better when I went to see and internist and he ruled out that I have too much acidity problem. I need to level out my acid content so he gave me medication. I am grateful

I still have panic episodes specially when it’s getting dark and when I am in a closed space. My acidity is still soaring. I still have to finish my treatment.

Now, I am with my family and here in the hospital room because my mom’s been vomiting a lot. It is tough. I do not have finances to help. I can only assist in any way I can.

She’s sick. I am still recovering. My family is struggling financially.

It is raining now. There is a storm. I have not practiced for 2 days. I dreamt of practcicing with a teacher. I am tired, anxious of where to get money. I am jobless. I do not know what’s next.

I am still grateful I breathe. I guess there is something good coming.

 

Om shanti, shanti.

Life

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

Henry David Thoreau

On Surrender

My allergies are finding their way to bug me down lately. I have constant bouts of body discomfort. Waking up seems to be agonizing as I just do want to sleep more. 

Laziness is not actually my thing but being laidback is. Anyway, I have emotional issues coming out. I feel like losing my sense of direction. It is weird though because my heart pretty much knows where it’s going.

Call it hormonal change.Call it perimenopausal syndrome.Whatever it is that I am going through, i just let it take its course.If I feel like sulking then I’ll sulk. The most important thing is I know I will get on with life somehow.

There is going to be more tough times ahead. The demons maybe are in the details but I have my breaths to pull me through.

I surrender then to the Universe. 

Om shanti, shanti, shantihi.