The year is almost done and I have to say my life has been a tough one to beat, so far.
I have not gotten any full time job yet and what’s worse is my mom has been in and out of the hospital with me not being able to support financially. I was not even able to go home. It was tough for me thinking and crying at times. The feeling of sheer hopelessness is just too much to bear at times, specially when you have to deal with it alone.
My yoga practice is the only one that grounds me and allows me to refocus and just breathe. It is really tough.
Then suddenly I develop my anxiety and/or panic attacks. It is very scary.
My episodes started two weeks ago when I suffered from severe acid reflux. My acidity was triggered due to the food I took in. I guess too much love for some spicy korean food variety or eating too much made it so.
The first episode was too much to handle. My abdomen was bloated. It was difficult to breathe and I was very scared. I felt so suffocated at home. It was the first time that I dread living alone. I wanted to scream,to cry and to go out of the house and really I felt like I was going crazy from dread. I wanted to call people to stay with me. I was very scared.
It then continued every night, I fear the dark and the aloneness. I was dreading life. I had to sleepover at my friend’s house despite the distance. I even went to the the emergency room. The doctor could not find anything wrong with me.
I took some antacids to appease the bloating. I continued not getting any sleep. I was very tired and my practice was affected.
I got a better when I went to see and internist and he ruled out that I have too much acidity problem. I need to level out my acid content so he gave me medication. I am grateful
I still have panic episodes specially when it’s getting dark and when I am in a closed space. My acidity is still soaring. I still have to finish my treatment.
Now, I am with my family and here in the hospital room because my mom’s been vomiting a lot. It is tough. I do not have finances to help. I can only assist in any way I can.
She’s sick. I am still recovering. My family is struggling financially.
It is raining now. There is a storm. I have not practiced for 2 days. I dreamt of practcicing with a teacher. I am tired, anxious of where to get money. I am jobless. I do not know what’s next.
I am still grateful I breathe. I guess there is something good coming.
Om shanti, shanti.