On being courageous

It has been almost a month since I last checked in here and I am just glad I have finally gotten the courage to sit and write and even update my header image.

My life has been built constantly with the highs and  lows. My emotions are insane. I am always hopeless, frustrated, anxious, teary and depressed. Then I am also surprised at how quick these phases change into joy, glee, bliss, peace and life itself. Then the cycle is repeated without me knowing it.

Since I am still staying at my mom’s, I am not excused at seeing all the difficulties my family is into. There seems to be an endless need for money for her medication and the neccesities at home. It is only my sister who has a stable job.

I often cry and ask the higher being as to why I am brought into this family. I am getting suffocated at how unceasing our sufferring is.  I am really whining. I am in fact wanting to forget them from my memory. That’s how tired I am.

There is toxicity in the cycle. I am 47 and I feel that there has not been any change. We still live in the same place. I dislike being here. I want us to live in a newer, nicer, cleaner and safer abode but…

I want to travel, in fact,  I am waiting for my visa to be approved. This is my only hope. I just pray the Universe gives me this chance.

The only thing that keeps me stll in tact is my daily practice. Yes, I still do.

Thanks for taking time to read my lament. I am still tired now. By the way, I am writing this as a woman who is in her perimenopausal stage. So, you know where I’m coming from, right?




On discipline

“Discipline” is a difficult word for most of us. It conjures up images of somebody standing over you with a stick, telling you that you’re wrong.

But self-discipline is different. It’s the skill of seeing through the hollow shouting of your own impulses and piercing their secret.

They have no power over you. It’s all a show, a deception. Your urges scream and bluster at you; they cajole; they coax; they threaten; but they really carry no stick at all.

You give in out of habit. You give in because you never really bother to look beyond the threat. It is all empty back there.

There is only one way to learn this lesson, though. The words on this page won’t do it. But look within and watch the stuff coming up- restlessness, anxiety, impatience, pain- just watch it come up and don’t get involved.

Much to your surprise, it will simply go away. It rises, it passes away. As simple as that. There is another word for self-discipline. It is patience.”

― Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
Mindfulness in Plain English