For a while I have been noticing that everything about me is slowly disappearing. For the lack of a concrete word, I am using disappearing here but it is really more than that.
My life as I deem see it has been more of a “trying to live each day as if it were my last” kind of life. I wake up, most often than not, not actually wanting to leave my bed. I notice that apart from my practice, there is really not much about my existence.
I feel that I am stripped of my own identity. I do not even know anymore what makes me live. The few people I encounter everyday are mere passersby and that I am not anymore certain when I will see them again.
I am losing that grip of my own reality. That world where I was once happily dealing with my favorite souls on earth- my students. I am slowly being led distant from that encounter where I could naturally be me. I notice too that I am not anymore driven to live because there seems to be nothing to really live for.
I am honestly sad deep within me because the process of being unclothed is really tremendously painful. My life is actually changing.
My finances have been very low and I do not even know how I get by. The mere thought of travelling even to nearby places scare me because I know I have nothing monetarily.
There are my family members who are ill and needing help but I could not give much. My heart bleeds everytime, There is my mom who will (hopefully not) undergo chemotherapy. I am bleeding inside.
Still, why do I feel that bliss despite all these?
In the midst of the sadness that I feel, there is this gnawing sense of peace that envelopes me deep within my core. Even if I do not feel life waking up at times and go about my day, I still have the joy to get on my mat and breathe. I still have the time to cry and acknowledge my nothingness.
It is really a difficult journey of becoming a soul that is wanting to detach. I am totally humbled knowing that the path that I choose is really not easy.
I surrender everyday to that force that knows where to lead me. My life is hard, honestly. I am just glad I have this humility to write today.