I am humbled.

FB_IMG_1503741010361-1.jpgFor a while I have been noticing that everything about me is slowly disappearing. For the lack of a concrete word, I am using disappearing here but it is really more than that.

My life as I deem see it has been more of a “trying to live each day as if it were my last”  kind of life. I wake up, most often than not, not actually wanting to leave my bed. I notice that apart from my practice, there is really not much about my existence.

I feel that I am stripped of my own identity. I do not even know anymore what makes me live.  The few people I encounter everyday are mere passersby and that I am not anymore certain when I will see them again.

I am losing that grip of my own reality. That world where I was once happily dealing with my favorite souls on earth- my students. I am slowly being led distant from that encounter where I could naturally be me. I notice too that I am not anymore driven to live because there seems to be nothing to really live for.

I am honestly sad deep within me because the process of being unclothed is really tremendously painful. My life is actually changing.

My finances have been very low and I do not even know how I get by. The mere thought of travelling even to nearby places scare me because I know I have nothing monetarily.

There are my family members who are ill and needing help but I could not give much. My heart bleeds everytime, There is my mom who will (hopefully not) undergo chemotherapy. I am bleeding inside.

Still, why do I feel that bliss despite all these?

In the midst of the sadness that I feel, there is this gnawing sense of peace that envelopes me deep within my core. Even if I do not feel life waking up at times and go about my day, I still have the joy to get on my mat and breathe. I still have the time to cry and acknowledge my nothingness.

It is really a difficult journey of becoming a soul that is wanting to detach. I am totally humbled knowing that the path that I choose is really not easy.

I surrender everyday to that force that knows where to lead me. My life is hard, honestly. I am just glad I have this humility to write today.

 

Namaste.

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Happy father’s day, Papa

I miss you specially today. It has been more than a year since your physical body left us. There is still this pain in my heart because I miss you, Papa.

Keep watching us from where you are. Thank you for everything.

I love you.

Mother

 

Mama with her children and grandchildren

Today , I honor the woman who has stood the strongest and the bravest amidst all that life has given her. In her own special , most of the times, silent ways she makes sure everyone in the family feels safe even if means giving up her own security. The sad thing is, I do not always notice that  because aside from the fact that I live away from her, I am in my own way refusing to notice it at times.

Prior to my dad’s death last December, my mother has been tough in dealing with his sickness. She was there even when her children seemed to give up financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically. She made sure she’s there for my dad and for us all.

When dad died, she was there.She’s the only person who witnessed his passing. She saw dad’s last breath came out of him. My mother must have been shocked and saddened seeing all that but she was there.

Every family ordeal that we have my mother has survived it all. At this juncture, my sister is suffering from depression. I know my mother worries a lot.We assure her always things will be alright. She cries at times. It was not long ago not dad left and we are still suffering from the loss but my mom proves she is the toughest.

She can still find time to laugh at life’s hardest. She can still continue to do her chores. She can still talk to her friends. She can still do everything she’s into. Why can she be that tough?

Oh well, she’s my mother after all. No one can do what she can except those who are like her- a woman who embraces motherhood in all its finest. I am not a mother and my understanding must have been so limited-but yes, I know how much love she can offer this world through us -her family.

Today is her birthday and I want to write something for her (in case she reads this). I am grateful for the love she always gives us. There might be times that I do not understand her but that should not discount the fact that I love her so much.

I am honoring her today. I pray that she will be blessed with a life that is better than what she has now. I know I can help her have that. She is my first guru about life. In her very own subtle way, she has taught be to bend but not break.

Sending her and all those mothers out there love and light.

Namaste.