I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures. ~Lao Tzu ~
My allergies are finding their way to bug me down lately. I have constant bouts of body discomfort. Waking up seems to be agonizing as I just do want to sleep more.
Laziness is not actually my thing but being laidback is. Anyway, I have emotional issues coming out. I feel like losing my sense of direction. It is weird though because my heart pretty much knows where it’s going.
Call it hormonal change.Call it perimenopausal syndrome.Whatever it is that I am going through, i just let it take its course.If I feel like sulking then I’ll sulk. The most important thing is I know I will get on with life somehow.
There is going to be more tough times ahead. The demons maybe are in the details but I have my breaths to pull me through.
I surrender then to the Universe.
Om shanti, shanti, shantihi.
It takes no effort to be still;
it is utterly simple.
When your mind is still,
You have no name,
You have no past,
You have no relationships,
You have no country,
You have no spiritual attainment,
You have no lack of spiritual attainment.
There is just the presence of Beingness with itself.
~ Gangaji ~
For a while I have been noticing that everything about me is slowly disappearing. For the lack of a concrete word, I am using disappearing here but it is really more than that.
My life as I deem see it has been more of a “trying to live each day as if it were my last” kind of life. I wake up, most often than not, not actually wanting to leave my bed. I notice that apart from my practice, there is really not much about my existence.
I feel that I am stripped of my own identity. I do not even know anymore what makes me live. The few people I encounter everyday are mere passersby and that I am not anymore certain when I will see them again.
I am losing that grip of my own reality. That world where I was once happily dealing with my favorite souls on earth- my students. I am slowly being led distant from that encounter where I could naturally be me. I notice too that I am not anymore driven to live because there seems to be nothing to really live for.
I am honestly sad deep within me because the process of being unclothed is really tremendously painful. My life is actually changing.
My finances have been very low and I do not even know how I get by. The mere thought of travelling even to nearby places scare me because I know I have nothing monetarily.
There are my family members who are ill and needing help but I could not give much. My heart bleeds everytime, There is my mom who will (hopefully not) undergo chemotherapy. I am bleeding inside.
Still, why do I feel that bliss despite all these?
In the midst of the sadness that I feel, there is this gnawing sense of peace that envelopes me deep within my core. Even if I do not feel life waking up at times and go about my day, I still have the joy to get on my mat and breathe. I still have the time to cry and acknowledge my nothingness.
It is really a difficult journey of becoming a soul that is wanting to detach. I am totally humbled knowing that the path that I choose is really not easy.
I surrender everyday to that force that knows where to lead me. My life is hard, honestly. I am just glad I have this humility to write today.